Chipping At the Weights on My Shoulders

This is going to be one of those blog posts, you know, the one where I am speak things that are on my mind and go on and on and on. I warn you now, if you're not into that, now is the time to leave, but if you do care, then please read ahead.

I realize I haven't posted much recently; I honestly, have had no motivation or desire to do it. Sometimes the daily posts get old and I suffer from not having anything worth blogging about. Right now I should be in bed, I am tired, but there's so much going on that my mind is racing a mile a minute and I am not even sure I could allow myself to sleep, as much as I need it.

I will start with saying, I am stressed to the max. I try not to let myself get stressed, but it hit me a lot and when it does, it hits me bad. I am one of those people who doesn't sleep, eats crappy or doesn't eat at all, and physically gets sick from stress; it's no bueno. There is so so much going on right now that it's a little overwhelming.

Next Monday, my mother-in-law is going in for her 2nd hip replacement surgery. The first one she had was botched and she's been in pain for quite some time. It has really gotten unbearable the last few weeks and she's using a walker and can barely stand. Knowing that she is in such pain and that Josh and I are a hour to an hour and a half away, makes it really hard. To make it worse, she has heart problems and has an artificial heart valve. She has had open heart surgery a few times and the first time it was unsuccessful. Heart valves are not supposed to last more than 10 years I want to say, and it's been over 10 since she had the last surgery. I talked to her today and she is really scared for her surgery; her dr. told her at her pre-op that there's a high chance she could pass a clot and stroke out during surgery. Her heart is also enlarged and not functioning correctly and she also has a high number of liver enzymes, which is not good. I hate so so much that there's nothing I can do and it scares me to death for her surgery. It's worse that I can't get off for work to be there with her and that Josh has to go through this with her by himself. As of right now, she'll be in until after Thanksgiving. I am trying so hard to be upbeat and strong through this, but I see how Josh is handling it and it breaks my heart. If you pray, please pray for Josh's mom, but also for Josh. My heart breaks that I can't be there and I am going to be a nervous wreck.

This also puts some other things into thought for us. As most people know, Josh and I have been trying to have a baby for a year and a half now and still no success. I am not going to lie, every month that it doesn't happen, it wears us down a little more. It's hard when everyone around us is easily popping those babies out and we can't even have 1. Now I am trying even harder, because we know that Josh's parents may not be around much longer and we want them to experience their first grand kid. Pressure causes us to fight more, and it's hard. I know people say it'll happen when it's meant to be and that God knows that perfect time to bless us, but it doesn't make it easier and gets old (I hate to say that, but it's true...).

We're also considering moving to be closer to his parents and help take care of them. The part that's holding us down right now is that I am not done with school and the job I have now is a great job. I am going to try and get finished so I have my teaching degree and can get my master's at OU. Bad news is, the rate that's going, it'll be another year and a half or 2 years because I got cut off of funding. I want so badly to be done; I feel like i'll never get there and I am soooo close.

I feel like I am so behind with my Christmas shopping. I have 3 gifts for my nephew bought so far and have so much more I plan on getting. At least next week and the week after, I can get some of it knocked out.

Then to top it off, Lexi (our Spaniel) won't stop crapping in the house. She's done it 3 times today, I dunno what her deal is. And 3 times, I've freaking stepped in it. Needless to say, she;s in trouble and will sleep in her crate tonight.

Anyway, I'll get off of here and cut the pity pot off. I just needed a way to let some of this weight off. I know God never gives us more than we can handle, but sometimes I dunno how he thinks I can handle situations.

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